Breath of Fresh Air

A Breath oh Fresh Air

Who Am I?

on February 9, 2018

So I was doing one of those Facebook quiz things – you know, the ones that tell you who you are in case you were wondering (and since I play along I guess I wonder!). I was taking a character trait quiz to find out what (Facebook thought) my dominant trait was. One of the rules for this particular game was that you were to make a quick choice (not really my strong suit…) based on whatever answer (yes or no) seemed right first. No problem, right? After all, this is a quiz I am taking about me, so no one knows the answers better. But then a question popped onto the screen that STUMPED me (like my screen faded back to black because my phone thought I was done using it kind of stump).

The question that got me  was:  “Are you afraid to do the wrong thing?”

My brain spun into a spider web searching for my answer. It took a while before I finally settled on “no”.

Here’s where I got stuck – I am afraid of doing a lot of things, and also not afraid of doing a lot of things. It depends what it is, it depends on the day, and sometimes I am afraid and then I am not afraid and then I am again (my poor husband…). Many times I end up at fearless, and you usually hear about how I got there in this blog; but (as with everyone’s), the path to my better than my day before has many obstacles of my doubt and my daunt that I have to get around and over on my way from my fear to my fearless.

(In my natural state of over-analyzing,) I continued to think about my “am I afraid” answer long after Facebook identified my dominant trait (you’re going to have to wait for it… sorry!). If “not afraid of being wrong” is my truth, then what am I afraid of? Obviously something caused my stump. I know it’s not because I am afraid of failure, because it’s a given that we all are a little bit, and also I am one of those people who feels she is a winner for just showing up (aka trying). So I pressed harder to figure out why I paused, and then – then I dealt with my truth:  I am afraid to disappoint. And because of this, by extension, it could mean that I am afraid to do the wrong thing, because obviously in my head, sometimes someone has a say on what the right thing is, and sometimes somehow that someone isn’t me.

But here’s my thing – this external pressure is completely internal. Meaning, it’s my truth in that I feel it, but in reality, it doesn’t really exist. You see, the someone I feel the perceived pressure from is also (one of) my biggest cheerleaders. I internalize someone’s good intention to protect me as pressure. The truth is, I can do no wrong in someone’s eyes / heart / world / you name it. Someone just wants me to live my best life, and that’s what I want too… but when those paths aren’t parallel, I feel pressure. And I hesitate. And that’s my afraid – my afraid of doing what someone thinks is the wrong thing, even though someone doesn’t think in terms of right or wrong; what is more true is that someone offers more colors in the rainbow for me to consider. But sometimes those colors clash with what I want to hear, so I declare a right and a wrong. But in the end, when I find my fearless and go for it, even if someone stands on the other side of my decision, someone will love me no matter what. Even if I end up in my end being wrong in my own right but with a lesson learned. I don’t get an “I told you so.” I get a hug.

And my dominant trait? strong


No surprise, but maybe some irony – but it’s something I learned from someone.

(The only one in my (your) way is me (you).)



Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: