Breath of Fresh Air

A Breath oh Fresh Air

You Can’t Always Get What You Want

on November 20, 2015

Lately my heart has been hard.

Let me explain.

I have been frustrated, angry, out of sorts and in all sorts of other things not so sugar and spice and everything nice.

This happens to the best of us, even with sights set on living our best life. The best remedy for a negative feeling is a positive one. Turning selfish into selfless. Focusing on being grateful; giving to others who can’t get what they want or what they need. These tools are (most times) spoonfuls of sugar that help me swallow my blues and put positivity back in my perspective.

But sometimes those tricks of my glass half full trade don’t work. Sometimes I let the bad bake for too long and my heart hardens. This doesn’t mean my will to be good turns bad. Instead, it means that simply being good stops being enough to make me feel good.

We have all been there; that place where we realize more of our energy is going out than coming back in. When we have done everything we are “supposed” to do. We met with all the right people and taken all the right advice. We said yes instead of no. We traded sleep for sweat. We gave instead of got.

From there we read all the books; joined all the groups; did all (or okay some) of the necessary networking; and (just about!) got the degrees. We put in the work and built a foundation for a future full of our version of freedoms and our pursuit of happiness. And finally it was time to let the universe know we were ready. That we had arrived! So we sent out our invitations to our best life, each carefully addressed and stamped by forever.

And every day we check our mailbox (phone / email), hoping to hear back from just one someone that they care. That they noticed. That they believe we can add value somewhere.

And after so many nothings it wears on us. And it has worn on me.

Is this a pity party? I am really trying to make it so it’s not. And that’s why I haven’t written about any of this (or anything lately), which hasn’t helped my heart. (You know that) I absolutely abhor giving any of my energy to anything negative. I have said it before and will say it again: it feels wasteful and whiney. There is a reason this blog is called “A Breath of Fresh Air”: when people take the time to read my thoughts, I want to inspire hearts and minds to open and smile. I want to leave people feeling better than they did before. I am not here to add to what’s wrong in the world; I am here to protect and project a positive perspective.

Moving off my pedestal onto what happened next:

Yesterday I went into the kitchen to grab my coffee, and I found a note from my husband. This is what it said:

Note

I have been writing for months about change. This entire blog is about my change experience: the search for my best life and my best self – the challenge to be better than the day before; to find my happy beginning / middle / ending.

But here’s what I realized (remembered) when I read Matt’s note: I can only own an action (aka my energy) if I can be accountable for the results. And in too many recent cases, I was sending all my energy into some/one/thing else’s somewhere, really rendering me powerless. And this is what transformed the charge from my change from energizing to draining.

Enough of what I had been doing up until lately required no one’s permission or endorsement but my own. But too much of what I have been doing lately required external versus internal validation. To find harmony within change, I need to keep changing things I can control the outcome of while reaching where I may be powerless but want to have purpose.

So the fix is still countering the negative with the positive, but the touches are more tangible.

I took over my day yesterday; I moved in the direction of change that I had power over by doing things I could complete on my own. I made my day about only what I owned; and I made progress I was proud of.

Best of all, my heart is happy again. And this post is proof of where I can put my power to the positive.

(heart helped, humbled, and no longer hard: I might not have what I want [yet!], but I certainly have what I need).

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